Chapter Fifteen → Well I felt something die, cause I knew that that was the last time

"You didn't kill her." Cora said as she sat in her friends room, having come over after hearing what had happened from Cherie. It was only a few days after Joanna had taken her own life and Zane had shut himself up, his mother's thinking perhaps a friendly face could help get through to him. "You didn't, anymore than your mother did. She was sick Zane, it had nothing to do with you, she said so in her letter." It was true, Joanna's suicide letter had stated very plainly that very little of anything had anything to do with Zane or his family and that she was sorry that she had dragged them down with her.

"You can't beat yourself up over this, she was gonna do it, she always was." Cora sounded so sure.

"You don't know that." Zane said softly.

"Yes i do, this probably wasn't even her first attempt. It just happened to be the first time she succeeded. She was manic, you're not stupid Zane, you're a scientist, you know how the brain works. A few misfiring neurons was the cause here, no outside force could have swayed her."

"I just wish..." Zane sighed.

"We all wish, but it doesn't help. You have your son to take care of now, you have to make sure he grows up proper and safe. Give him the life that Joanna never had."

"She could have." He said, meaning all he offered her.

"She didn't want it." Cora said before pausing. "Did you really want it?" She had to ask, for her own sanity. Was Zane's trouble because he was morning someone he loved dearly, or was it guilt, for never really wanting her in the first place. Zane just sighed in response, Cora nodding gently. It was too much of a question for right now, too soon.

Sometimes it was too hard to look at Michael, but Zane knew it was wrong, the baby did nothing and didn't deserve his only parent to pull away.

He really did do his damnedest.

He threw himself into his work and home life, expanding various areas and rooms of the house. Pretty soon Michael was the first child in the history of the Talliway family to ever have a nursery. Kinsley just clicked her tongue and shook her head as she walked into the newly made and decorated nursery, looking down at her grandson in her arms. "Anything to keep his mind occupied huh?"

"So..." Zane started as he stood in his older sister's house. "This is the party huh?" He sounded skeptic.

"Yep." Michelle said with a nod, having just waltzed into Katharine's house like she owned the place, the other woman not even looking up from her easel.

"Nice dress." Zane said.

"I just got off work, shut up." The russet haired woman said.

"Level with me, moms put you up to this didn't they?" He asked.

"Yeah." Michelle nodded, Katharine huffing at her sister admitting exactly what they were told not to admit.

"Why?" He asked as he followed his sisters into the kitchen, grabbing a drink of the mini bar that Katharine had for some unknown reason.

"Oh yeah, that'll fix all your problems." Michelle quipped as she pulled out her mandolin to play a little since there was nothing to actually do.

"I don't have problems." Zane said.

"That's not what moms said." Katharine pointed out as she cooked.

"Well they can keep their noses outta my business."

"Kinda hard when you still live at home, when did you become such a mama's boy?" Michelle asked.

"Around the same time you became the town tart!" Zane snapped angrily before turning to leave, ignoring Katharine's call for him to come back.

"Smooth one." Katharine deadpanned to her sister, who in turn just shrugged in a nonchalant manner.

Zane didn't know why he headed over to Suzanna's place next, it was late and he was a bit drunk and really should have gone home. But he couldn't, not until someone told him he wasn't losing his mind.

"I'm sorry, i didn't mean to get you out of bed and... you're pregnant." He trailed off when he saw his baby sister's very round middle.

Suzanna chuckled. "Yeah, you knew this Zane, i told you weeks and week ago. Right before..." She paused, not wanting to finish her sentence.

"Joanna killed herself." Zane finished it for her.

"Yeah." She looked down at the floor momentarily before looking back at her brother. "How are you holding up?"

"I don't know." He admitted. "There's just this guilt Suzie, it won't go away. It makes me sick to my stomach and it just...." He sighed. "I dunno."

"Zane, don't take this the wrong way, but answer me this okay. Just a yes or no, first thing that comes to your mind." The man just nodded, agreeing to do as she asked. "Did you love her?" 

Zane opened to his mouth to answer but found he couldn't, there was no yes or no to be had. "I... I don't know." He admitted.

"Not knowing doesn't make you a bad person Zane." Suzanna said, reading her brother's face like the open book he was. "It's okay to say you didn't, it doesn't make her death mean any less to you."

"I wanted to be the one for her." He said sadly, almost tearfully.

"But she wasn't the one for you." Suzanna said knowingly, smiling gently in a caring manner. "You need to let it go, the regret, it'll kill you and you're needed. Your son needs you, moms need you, your soon to be niece or nephew needs you." Her smile grew slightly.

Zane smiled at her before reaching out and touching her round middle. "Don't worry, i'll be here." He said with a nod of his head.

The next morning, after sleeping off some of his very minimal hangover at Suzanna's on her couch, Zane went to the one place he hadn't been since Joanna was buried. He brought with him a small bunch of pink roses, placing them next to her tombstone. "I'm sorry." He said softly, knowing that even though Joanna wasn't there, she could hear him. "I should have let you go, you said so yourself, you weren't longed for this world. I should have believed you, you're finally free." He sighed, looking up at the bright clear blue sky. And so am i, he thought.

Chapter Notes:

Sorry the last couple chapters have been such downers! No worries, things start looking up soon enough ^_^ Yeah, besides that, not a lot to say, so off to the Sims i go lol.